First Blog

I've noticed here lately that being a mom, girlfriend, having a full time job, and part time job as a cupcake baker I don't have time to many things for myself. So, I decided to write this blog and maybe someone will be interested to read it or maybe it will just let me get some things off my chest.
Today was a great day. It's Saturday so that means no work for Lane. Brandon was at work and Caiden is gone at his dads house. So, this was my chance to sleep in and catch up on sleep. So what time did I wake up? 7:30. Awesome. So, I decided to go to Starbucks for my new addiction: the iced skinny caramel machiatto. AMAZING. Then I went to the craft store to buy all of my supplies for these awesome Spongebob cupcakes I am making for a friends kid's birthday party tomorrow. (Pics to come later) Anyway, that was the majority of my day. Cleaned a little, was lazy for most of it, cooked dinner and watched some TV. I would say it was pretty perfect especially seeing Brandon at the end of it.

I made my 182nd attempt at quitting smoking this week. I did good the first few days and then failed at the first sign of frustration. I have no will power. Brandon gets really upset when I smoke and I want so badly to stop smoking. Everytime I try to quit smoking I turn to food and end up gaining weight. I need to do something. I need to lose about 60 pounds and quit smoking. I just started a new job and I think the new life change is a perfect time to start with the whole quitting smoking and losing weight thing. Ugh....

I have been kind of in a slump the past few weeks. Caiden is at Ryan's for the entire month of July. My heart has been aching over it. I never used to get upset when he would leave because it was only 2 days ususally and I always enjoyed the break and was happy to have him come home at the end of the weekend. But just the thought of not seeing him for that long breaks my heart. I can't stand it. I hate that life is so hard. Why can't there just be a mom and dad and kid that all live happily ever after? Why does it have to be so complicated? I just want my baby to be home.

Caiden's birthday is coming up soon and I have started to come up with ideas for a party. What I have wanted the past 4 years is to have a party with Caiden's WHOLE family. I know Caiden would love to have his mom, Brandon, his dad, dad's new girlfriend or "fiance", both sets of grandparents, aunts and uncles, and all of his little friends all together to celebrate HIS big day. Of course it can never work that way because Ryan is un-willing to cooperate. Somehow it always ends up being my fault though. So instead, he will have 2 birthday parties. I'm sure he doesn't mind or care now - he probably thinks it's great because he gets 2 parties devoted to him. But I'm afraid that when he gets older it will be hard for him or maybe just hard for me. I don't know.

I just want this whole life - parenting - thing to be easier.